» 9.15.2007 - Cardiomyapathy: Heart Failure

I had gotten sick for a month, back in june I think it was. I got a cold, turned into a sinus infection, got a cough, turned into bronchidus. I got over it. A few weeks later, the cough came back. I didn't go to the doctor because I didn't have any insurance, I figured I'd wait it out and it would go away. Well it had been about a month since I had the cough. I decided to go to the doctor, that morning my heart was racing, I had a 144 pulse.

They took an xray of my lungs, said it was pnuemonia (even though i didnt have a elevated temperature?) ... gave me some antibiotics, and sent me on my way. I had been back in a time or two then my mom came in with me. This doctor said that since I had a fast pulse I should have an echocardiogram done on my heart. Its the same thing they do to look at the baby in your stomach. Cept at your heart.

I had to lay on my side while they did this. It hurt like hell to lay on my side because I had about 15-30 pounds (found that out later) of fluid build up in my body (i'll explain why, later). Not to mention i'm tryin not to cough, and my heart rate again is just goin skitzo.

After they had a chance to look at the test, the doctor sits me down and looks at me and tells me I have something called cardiomyapathy, and that I have a week heart. He said I have to go to the hospital right now. When he left the room for a second I just started balling. I'm 24, have heart problems, life is over with basically.

I went into the hospital where they put me on heart meds, to slow my heart down, make it easier for my heart to work, etc. They also put me on Lasix, which basically makes you pee, to get rid of all the xtra fluids in my system. I went in weighing 330, came out of the hospital like 4-5 days later weighing 314. I'm now at 293.

I have whats called Dialated Cardiomyapathy, basically a virus got into my heart, and kicked the shit out of it. Most peoples hearts work at 65%, thats how much blood is moved out of the heart everytime it pumps. Mine when I went into the hospital was about 15%. Since my heart isnt working as good as it should, its unable to get all the fluids out of my body, therefor it will store it wherever, inbetween organs, in the legs, feet, etc. They look for the feet to be swollen, because most of the fluid will sink down into your body and into your feet, due to gravity.

I take about 5 different pills a day now, some of them twice a day. My daily sodium has to be under 2000mg a day, normal for people is 2500mg (just so you know its only 500 more than what im on, try and figure it out how much you take in a day).

And to top it off, I had a catscan done of my lungs, one of my doctors wanted to make sure I didn't have any blood clots in my lungs. She thought maybe thats why I was coughing. They didn't find any blood clots, but they did find a couple nodules in my lungs. Which in most cases would probably mean lung cancer, or something like that. But the doctor said if it was, it would have shown up on my blood tests, they still don't know what they are. So now I have to see a lung specialist too.

To top it off even more. I prolly won't be able to work two jobs again. Right now I'm barely working one. Theres no way I'm going to be able to support myself. Absolutely no way. I don't know what to do. I try not to think about it and dwell on it right now, because right now I have to focus on my health and all that. But at some point I'm going to have to do something about all this. I mean bod is basically supporting me right now. Paying all my bills. But I don't want her to have to do that for the rest of my life. I wanna make it on my own and damn it I don't know how to.

I'm going to have so many bills, as if I didn't already, I was already workin 2 jobs to pay off my debt, and now i'm going to have a shit ton of doctor bills. And no insurance company is gonna take me now, because I have a prehistory of illness or whatever they call it. So no insurance is gonna cover my drugs I need etc. Its fuckin bullshit. The rest of my life is ruined.

Maybe this would be easier to take if I had a girlfriend that was standing beside me sayin its gonna be ok, givin me hugs, cryin for me, calming my emotions. But I don't, they either left me cuz they dont love me like that, or left me because they weren't ready to be in a real relationship.

I'm fat, I'm ugly, I no longer have a strong income, i'm broker than I ever was, I have nothing going for me. My life is seriously over with. Yeh its fun havin so much freetime, but thats not correcting my problems!

Life is so depressing, it really is. I thought I had a bad enough year with all the fuckin girlfriend problems and all that. Now I look back at that, and it doesnt seem like such a big deal when you face death. Maybe not right now I dont face death, but I felt like It when I was in the hospital. I'm not afraid to die, I wanna die, I wanna go to heaven and be in peace for eternity. But you know what, there were a lot more things I wanted to accomplish before I left this miserable place!

Now, though I live, and prolly will live, how am I gonna accomplish it all now? This aint no video game, aint no cheats to punch in. Its like playin sim city, bein 50K in debt. Aint no way out of that. Its like playin counterstrike, you VS a team of 4, they all have dsl, and you're on dial-up with a bad connection.

But whatever, I'll live on and hope that this all gets better.

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