» 9.29.2007 - Typing My Thoughts

Sometimes I feel like i have nowhere to turn, I can talk to people about whats in my head, but they either don't understand, or don't have any advice for me. But I have to get it out some how, cuz everything in life right now is a little hard to take.

I really wish I had a gf right now. I think it'd take my mind off all this stupid shit, and make me relax a little bit. It hasn't even been that long since my last but I have a lot of open voids inside me that need to be filled. A lot of open wounds I wish could be healed now. My heart is a complete wreck, figuratively and literally.

I'm workin 15 hours a week right now. I'm not payin my own bills, Bod is. I'm very thankful for that, but I wish I could pay my own. I wanna go to school just like I have in the past couple years, but can't afford it because I'm more in debt than I ever was. I can't go bankrupt because I'm going to have more medical bills comining up in the future. Maybe even one for a heart transplant (scary).

I wish I could go to school right now. I wanna finally get a good job, that I can sit down at, so I have energy to do all the other shit I wanna do in life. I'm sick of standing up 70 hours a day, even 40 hours a day. I'm a big guy, I'm sick of having to ruin my knees just to have a job and make some money.

I also need to lose weight, I'm on a sodium restricted diet, but not really a regular diet. I mean I still eat candy bars, n candy n shit. I need to stay away from that so I can slim down.

And I say slim down for many reasons. One, because I always have wanted to be a lot skinnier. I haven't been under 250 since before I stopped growing. I dont know what its like to be my height and at normal weight. Two, because being lighter will be easier on my heart. Three, I can finally fit into ALL the carnival rides, not just some of them. I no longer would have to worry "is this one gonna be a tight fit?". Four, I can finally go to the beach and take my shirt off and feel half way comfortable. Five, maybe I'll have a better chance of meeting a girl, one whos my age, and has her shit together.

I wanna start working out, lifting weights n all that. I have for a while, just never had the time in the past year. I wanna get fit, and hopefully extend my life past what its at right now. I dont wanna be SKINNY, I just wanna be smaller and lighter. I'd want to build my muscles up a little bit, because I like bein thick. Just tired of bein fat.

Some days I wish I was dead. Some days I'm tired of dealing with it all. Other days I just want to get to the point where my life is back to normal. Other days I don't think about it much... and am happy.

This is off topic. But I don't get why Lori keeps texting me every once in a while askin how I'm doing. Does she not understand she ripped my heart out. She asked to hang a couple times, I said now is not the time, I can't handle it. Does she not understand that I don't want to get hurt anymore? Why do my ex's still wanna hang out with me from time to time? It just confuses me even more. Even thought I like stayin friends with my ex's, sometimes I wish they'd leave me alone. Not all my ex's, just some of them.

Hopefully shit will clear up for me. I don't get why I type all this out and post it up here, my website isnt even done and uploaded yet, lol. You guys prolly won't read this for another month or so. I hope to have it done before that. But I get webmasters block sometimes and don't know what to do with it all.

• • • • COPYRIGHT 2008 • • • • • 1&1 HOSTING • • • •