» 10.01.2007 - Breaking Down

It's been a bad day. I started havin a breakdown when I got home. First I got really sad, started to cry, and couldn't stop cryin. I can't handle this. I dont think anybody else realizes that I feel such pain inside. And it hurts to see everybody who I thought cared about me, treat me as if I'm just having a normal life. Acting like I should be acting normal. People don't understand for a second about all this.

I'm also stressin because I have to rely on Bod for everything, theres stuff I want, and/or need, but I have to go through her to get it, because I don't have an income right now. And I feel like such a burden to her. I feel like I'm just getting in the way. I feel like I'm gettin in everybody's way. I feel like I did in highschool, I feel like I'm doin nothin right, I feel like everybodys not my friend.

I hate thinking about the fact that girls aren't attracted to me. I'm too fat, I'm too hairy, and I guess too ugly, because even if I wasnt just one of those items, I should be attracting somebody. Anybody. But the ones I do attract, make me feel so whole inside, make me feel like I'm on top of the world and everything in life is good. But those people then break up with me. And its :'( the worst feeling in the world. To be so high on life, to feel the greatest feeling you've ever felt, then being discarded like a worn out pair of pants.

With all this stress, I can't smoke cigs, I can't party and have fun cuz I can't drink. I can't eat all the foods I want to. I can't focus on loving my girlfriend because I don't have one. All the outlets I've ever had, aren't there. And I can 't handle all of this. Not all the time. I mean a lot of the time when I'm in denial about it, or not thinkin about it I'm fine. But then when everything comes to light and I realize that everything is fucked for me, I break.

At 4pm today I have an appointment with my Nazi cardiologist, only reason I say that is cuz he's so upfront about everything and doesnt seem to have an ounce of empathy. He pretty much makes me depressed everytime I see him. Even cry. Although I hold it in. Of course. He's a good doctor though, I'll give him that. Its why I haven't thought about changing doctors. His assistant Laura, though, is one of the nicest doctors I've met. I always look forward to my appointments with her.

If I need a heart transplant I wish I could just hurry up and get it over with so I can start my life. I can't do anything I've ever wanted to do in my life! :'( For so many :'( years I've been so lazy and unmotivated, and just lately I've been tryin to get my shit together so I can make something of myself. And now with all this, its making :'( me unmotivated again. I can't fuckin take it. :'( its like somebody doesn't want me to accomplish anything in life. This past year and a half has been complete crap.

I want out. I hate this. I need something. Anything. Give me a good gf to be at my side, give me some good news with my health, give me a way out of my debt and not have to rely on Bod, any one of those fucking things ya know? :'( I just want a small break, one fuckiing break. Its like when I think things can't get worse I gotta go through all this.

Listening to:
Hinder - Extreme Behaviour

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