» Bi-Polar? Manic Depressive? Or Just Different?

This is a long post. It starts off very bad, ends up pretty good. Very depressing poem I wrote today also. I haven't been able to write something that quickly since highschool. I'm no poet, but it releases a lil stress.

(its 1am, this is yesterday)

So my day at work was ok. I mean it went fine, nothin pissed me off or stressed me out, all was good. I get into my car, roll down my window, and I hear a scratching noise, so I roll my window up, it slowly rolls up, then stops. So my window is half rolled down and wont budge, just down, and I dont want it down, I need it up. I'm thinkin, fuckin damn it, not another thing going wrong with my car, I dont need this.

I stop at the library in Monona, to check my myspace and facebook. I check a few things, messages, requests, all that. Then I look around a bit more, and find some stuff that just kinda makes me really depressed. I get into my car and realize my car window is still broke (had forgotten). So total bullshit right. I keep thinkin bout this stuff on myspace, and its just saddening me to shit.

I get home, i'm like this is the worst day ever. And I sit down at the table for a bit and see this rolled up paper with some yarn around it. I'm like whats this? Bod's like, life isnt always bad. I open it, and its a thing that says my 4600 bill is paid for in full. And I gave Bod a hug, said it was Red's idea, so I gave him a hug. And then i lost it, i feel the tears start comin on so I go into the other room. And thats when I freak out.

I'm fuckin freakin out, cryin my ass off. They paid one of my bills, i mean thats fantastic, thats amazing, totally amazing. But its like, its one more thing they did for me that they didnt have to. Its one more thing they did that I should have been doing for myself. Makes me feel even more helpless. I understand its a great thing. But it still makes me feel like that.

I'm also stressin again because of the lack of gf thing. It really saddens me. It more saddens me that girls aren't attracted to me. So I dont even have a pond to fish from, just a puddle of mud.

Anyways, so I start writing this poem, and it basically just flows off the top of my head, from begining to start, I really didnt have to think to much while writing it. I used to write poetry back in highschool, when I was super fucking near death depressed. But since I kinda got my life together, I can't really write anything anymore. Like I said, not that I'm a poet or anything, I'm not. But like I also said, it helped me calm down. And also made me stop cryin so much. Here it is.

Why God do you punish me?
What is it in me that you cannot see?
Why is it that everybody leaves?
What is it that's so wrong with me?

Why give me the worst year of my life?
Why let me get heart problems so bad ..
that I might have to go under the knife?

This all makes me want to put a bullet in my head,
I give a fuck that I'm living, I'd rather be dead.
Put a bullet in my brain, I'm going insane.
My mental health deteriorating, whos to blame?

Is it me? Is it you? Or my mom giving birth?
Since I wasn't another miscarriage
I thought I was meant for this earth.

I contribute nothing, why am I here?
When I need somebody close, there's no one near.

I want it to end. I want it to be gone.
If my life were lyrics, let it be the end of my song.
I feel I don't belong, my life ain't right.
Please oh please bring an end to this life.

So anyways. After that I quick ate supper, took my heart meds, and went to sleep. I woke up at about 7pm or so. I decided I'd txt Mandi and see if she wanted to hang out or something. We hung at her house for a bit then got some ice cream at Dairy Queen at the mall. After that we decided to go to a movie. We were tryin to think of a movie to see, and se decided to see Across the Universe.

Oh yeh, after I woke up, I realized I had a dream about somebody. Its always messed up when people you're trying to expell from your memory, are in your dreams. Even worse when that dream incorporates certain feelings, even if you don't feel those feelings as strong as they are in the dream. Sometimes dreams can be more of a reality than actual reality.

Mandi reminds me that she's not worth it. And I told her its not just that, its my whole life. Its this road of pain I've been on since middle school. The pain goes away for a while, but its like it stays dormant and then comes back. I hate it. Idunno if I got actual mental problems or if its just me being me. I swear I need meds or something.

Anyways, onto the movie. After hangin with Mandi thus far, I'm a little better.

Oh my God this movie is so fucking amazing, so beautiful, so amazingly fucking beautiful. It is the best movie I have seen in a long time. Its a movie based during the Vietnam War. Its so beautiful, the ending is beautiful. I came out of this movie just extremly happy. It had its sad parts, but like I said, the ending is so beautiful. Did I mention its a musical? I mean its got talking and stuff, it just doesn't seem like a musical. Anyways. I was so happy coming out of that movie.

Hangin with Mandi got my mind off everything. Which is good, its what I need. I just know though, that these feelings are on the back burner, because I distracted myself. Which is good, but it also means they're gonna come back. I need psychological help, or at least some fuckin drugs to undepress me. At least until I can get my life together.

I hate that people have fucked my head up so bad. I hate that they don't even seem to care. But thats why people who "have their shit together" seem to have their shit together. It's because if you focus the blame on somebody else, not feel remorse, not have that empathy ... it makes you look like you're the stronger one. But you're not. Because you have no empathy, you can't understand the feelings of somebody else. I sometimes wish I could be like that. It'd be easier on my stress levels, to always think that I'm right.

I'm not always right.

Anyways. Idunno, its prolly time for me to go to bed or something, or watch some tv and go to bed, or idunno. I dun wanna go to sleep.

Listening to:
Huey Lewis & the News - (various downloaded songs)

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