» The Journey

A very shortened version of my life. Alot of experiences that lead to my certain traits are listed in here. Its why I am the way I am today. Its the experiences that lead me to make the choices I have.

My Childhood
I was raised in a house outside of sun prairie, thats where I spent the first ... err ... 7 years of my life? Somethin like that, yeh. My parents got divorced around then, and we couldn't afford the house anymore so we moved to an apartment in Sun Prairie ... over by KFC (for those of you from the area).

Before we moved I went to eastside, I really didn't have too many friends from there, I was this really skinny kid who got teased by people for bein lame. Its kind of hard to remember a lot of stuff from back then.

I remember when I was like 5 or 6 my mom was outside mowin the lawn and I was inside playin Super Mario Bros 3 for like hours on end. My first memory of bein a very lazy.

I had this friend Matt who lived up the hill from Bod (moms good friend). He was a couple grades ahead of me, but we hung out all the time. My first best friend. We remained friends for a lil while after I moved to Sun Prairie, but we got into a fight and haven't talked since. He moved by my mom after I got out of highschool, I was too scared to go over there and say hi. But my mom said she saw a hatchet-man on the back of his window. Thats weird as hell. Neither of us knew about icp back when we were kids. Now we both rep the hatchet?

So we moved into sun prairie. My mom was workin 2 jobs a lot of the time, tryin to scrape by, she didnt have time to cook anymore, easier to pick up some food, so I got chubby. Not to mention when I was younger I ran around outside a lot. So I started gettin fat.

My first friends at our apartment complex were Mike and Victor. They introduced me to comic cards. I started goin cross the street everyday to buy a pack, started collecting comic books. This is why I have a love for super heroes, at least marvel super heroes. I found out later they were stealin all my shit. Fuck that.

Middle School
I started falling away from school in middle school. There was more homework, and I had a teacher that totally ruined math for me. Plus I got teased more than ever about bein fat. I also still wore sweat pants, and stretched out t-shirts, I didn't want to conform. Probably my first experience that tought me not to listen to mass opinion.

We were playin flag football and I had to tie two of those belt things together for it to fit. Embarrassing. Justin pointing out my stretch marks in the changing room when I took my shirt off. Prolly the reason why I don't like takin my shirt off. Kids made fun of these funky colorful painters pants I used to wear. I didnt bath regularly, kid teased me bout it, i hit him with my folder, he broke my nose.

These kids thought it would be fun (or funny?) to take like six people and run down the hill at me during recess. My friend David tryin to defend me. I tried walkin away, twice. Thats when the dude jumps on my back, so I bit him because he wouldn't get off of me. >I< almost got in trouble for that. Yeh me ... for what, doing nothing?

High School
I started wearing jeans, trying to fit in a little more. But the only ones I liked were the ones the ghetto kids were wearin, Jnco, Boss, etc. Baggy pants. Wore the belt too big for me so it hung down. Still wore dorky ass shirts. I definitly didn't find who I was or my groove until later.

I still got teasted in highschool, not as much, I stuck up for myself more. I messed up the fresh baseball lines one day. Next day brian comes up to me and calls me a fag for messin em up. I say "ok?". He says, "no, you're a faggot". I'm like "and?". That pissed him off so much, his face got beat red, I just sat back down.

I hated school. I got along with a lot of people, but nobody thought I was cool enough to hang out with me. I had my friends I had from elementary, but they all left me mid highschool, every last one of them.

I started wearing button-up shirts because they fit me better than t-shirts. I actually didn't start wearing psychopathic t-shirts (and normal t-shirts) until I was early 20s. And thats because I was too big for 3x shirts.

I had diareah in highschool, I got it because I'd be so nervous in school, because of people, stress, the fact I didnt have my homework done, etc. High school was absolutely horrifying for me. I hated it so much. I so much wanted a gf, somebody to hold and love. Thats why it pains me so much these days to have girls break up with me, not having somebody there for me.

My whole life I wanted only to be in the same room with a girl, so you can imagine how good it made me feel when I finally got a girlfriend. I was always so lame growing up. Guys didn't wanna hang with me, let alone girls. So when I get down sometimes those feelings come back.

I think to myself "girls think I'm ugly, girls see me as being a fat ass, girls think I'm too lame to hang out with". Its not how I think of myself all the time, its just ... its easy for those feelings to come back, because they were drilled into my head since I was young by other kids.

There was this girl Kelsey. Omg I had the biggest crush on her. I tried so hard (well, as best I could being why) to hang out with her. Omg she was all I ever thought about freshman year. She finally said we'd hang out, but then she had to cancel, wanted to reschedule, but I had planned to hang out with my friend that day. And I didn't ditch on my word. So we never hung out. Next year she didnt even realize I went to school with her. She stopped sayin hi to me in the halls. I was in her drivers ed class and I don't think she even knew. That crushed me inside.

This other girl Rebecca, I asked her to chill too, and she said she couldn't because her dad was a preacher or something, and he doesnt want her hangin with guys. That crushed me too.

Oh yeh, from middle school all through highschool I was in deep depression. Later portion of highschool, I wanted to die. I had my reasons for why I wouldn't try suicide. But I wanted death more than anything. I wanted out of this world.

By the end of high school I found out a lot about who I was, and what I was about. Things always change, sure. But I found a groove. During high school I started listening to psychopathic, and that really made me who I am today. It got me through hard times, it gave me a reason a live, something to pay attention to instead of my near-suicidal depression. Its a part of me. Anybody who wants me to get away from it, isn't gonna be somebody a part of my life.

Post High School
After highschool, I still didn't have a job, etc, so for like 2-3 years I just sat around and did nothing cept go online all day, play video games, work on my websites. I lived with Bod because my mom was poor and I didn't want her to have to support me anymore. I was so afraid to get a job, my reason ... them to find me a shirt that fit me. Because at the time I wore shirts that were bigger than 3x's.

Theres not much to say about post-highschool until now. I dated becci the whole time after highschool until 2006. That was my life. Its the only real thing I had. I loved her more than anything, despite our every day fights, battles, wars. I think we're so much better meant to be friends. I don't think she realizes how much happier I am knowing her and I are friends. I dont think she realizes that I actually enjoy hanging out with her now. Most of the time, I think she just hangs out with me because she's bored, not cause she actually thinks I'm a cool person, but oh well. I'd rather that than be her enemy, or vice versa. Shit this is all makin me tear up. I sometimes forget how painful my life has seemed to me.

Onto the gf topic again. I think if girls knew the love, sensitivity and emotion I have inside of me, they'd be a lot more into getting to know me.

Early 20s
Finally got a job workin at Piggly Wiggly in Cottage Grove, My first 40 hour a week job workin as a Frozen Manager. And a year after that I got a second job workin at Taco John's. Worked like 60-80 hour weeks for about five months and quit the Pig (2005). In 3 months (jan.) I had got my highscool diploma (2006), and ready to move out 2 months after that. Crazy, life so different from highschool.

I still really didn't have friends until I had moved out. Up until then I hung out with Becci still, and her friends had left her too, so we didnt even hang out with them. Hung out with somebody here, somebody there, but really no real friends.

Became real known at Taco John's when I started workin days September 2006. I started workin at the Pig again as the guy who makes donuts. Back up to 60 hour weeks, by the end of summer 2007 I was up to about 70 hours a week. Finally gettin my bills paid off, makin my way towards something. My goal ... to go to school.

Becci and I broke up in 2006, I think we were both tired of all the fighting. Not that the fighting stopped, cuz we fought worse than ever until she moved out in march 2007. Dated a girl for 5 months, she broke up with me. Dated a girl for bout 2 months and I broke up with her cuz it didn't seem like it was there. Got alright with bein single, just focused on work, then another girl jumped into my life, 2 months later, she broke up with me too. So thats why I focused on workin, made decisions to work more. Putting time into work gave me a reason to not want a gf. So much pain since I started life on my own. Too much.

And then in August I was diagnosed with Cardiomyapathy, a weakened heart, I was hospitalized for 5 days, and let out havin to take a handful of pills a day. And that brings us up to current. Workin 15 hours a week, no money, no girlfriend. Nothing. Back to living with Bod for the time being. Probably won't be able to move back out in March 2008 come lease time. = (

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