» 10.6.2007 - Thinking, Healing, Mending ...

Last night I was supposed to go to the bars with Chad, Chris, and Chris's girl. Chad fell through, and Chris didn't call me back until later that night. So I just drove around madison for a while. (btw, I don't really drink when I go to the bar, I have like one drink. If not I'll just have a soda or something.)

Anyways, Lori text's me agian .. she text me every once in a while, and once in a while asks if I wanna hang out, or if she can stop by. I say no everytime, cuz I don't really want to have to deal with any issues I may have left that deal with her. But last night I decided might as well. Get it out of the way.

She was in the area, we both met at a middle point, the park on cottage grove road. It was like 11 at night, nowhere else to really go. (Chris had called me while on the way there, i was on the phone with her so I didn't pick up, besides, it was way too late to start goin to karoake bars (spelling).

We just sat at a picknic table and talked for a while. Mostly me talking cuz not a lot is going on in her life. Not a lot in mine either, cept the whole health thing, and some things at work. I made her laugh a few times, so as a friend I don't feel like it was so useless to spend time hangin out with her. I hate hangin out with ex's and they don't seem to enjoy being with her, they're just doing it cuz they're bored.

I asked her why insisting on hanging out with me, she said she likes talking to people she already knows. ... hopefully that doesn't translate to "i'm bored, we know each other, so lets hang", because I hate when people hang with me because I'm bored. I want them to hang out with me, because they find enjoyment with it. I don't really know.

It was good seeing her again though. It settled a few issues I had in my head, not that they were really talked about, it was just good to confront my fear. Although, now I'm very tired and depressed, not really cuz of her necessarily, i just ... I get bleh sometimes. I want stuff out of life, and can't get it. I feel like I'm just trying to stay afloat.

Least its one less thing I have to really think about. At least thats how it feels right now, things change somtimes, idun even know what i'm talking about anymore, i'm really fuckin tired, I just don't wanna go to bed yet.

I hope my health keeps improving, I hope gets close to normal again. I hope that when it comes to my health program I have to take I keep on losing weight, hope I can start lifting weights and building some muscle. Hopefully by next summer i'll look "ok" enough to go to Noah's Ark, or to a beach or something and be able to take off my shirt, or at least not as bad with a shirt on. My dream has always been that. Its the main reason I wanna lose weight. I hate not being able to swim cuz of my weight. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

Well, I think thats it for now. I'm glad her and I hung out at the park.

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