» 10.09.2007 - Focusing on Non-Existant Love

Theres a void in my soul. Its where the love is supposed to be. But there isn't anything there. Its gone. As I've said before, pieces of me are withering away, falling apart. With every bad experience I'm handed in life, I try to make the most of it. I try to grow from it. But with bad experience after bad experience, I'm starting to grow away from who I was before.

Since my heart problems, since this past year with so much hurt, so much pain, me trying to get over a lot of things .. I've become an angrier person lately. I flip out easily. I tried to stay in control so much over the past year because I've gotten tired of getting upset over everything everybody does. But lately, I'm getting sick of everybody.

I'm getting sick of people not being there for me when I need them most. Life has been completly crappy for me lately, I need somebody to talk to. But I'm not going to ask them to talk to me. I don't really want to burden them with my stuff if they don't give a shit. There are certain people I try to hang out with, but they either don't have time, or I think they're blowing me off, and I never know which is which.

I have my Mom, I have Bod, but its not the same, they've always been there for me. My mom already knows the shit that goes through my head, she already knows how much this is tearing me apart, and Bod doesn't quite handle stuff like that very well, she has even less advice than my mom.

I'm getting sick of people bitching about their petty problems, problems with other people. Very stupid pointless issues. I hate that some people only hang out with me because they're bored. It saddens me. I always liked to think that I was worth something, that I brought something different to my friends; Realness, Honesty, & Caring. I start to realize that doesn't seem to be enough.

I feel like I'm in highschool again, I think I said this in a prior post. But I feel worthless. I don't feel like I'm 'cool enough' to hang out with people. Theres something about me that I don't know that must totally annoy people. I don't know what it is. It drives me nuts. I've been in tune with what I do wrong since I started thinkin about it back in highschool. It drives me crazy that I don't know what it is. I always wonder if its the same thing that ends up driving women away.

I think its because I'm not fake enough. I'm pretty honest, but not brutally. I don't really like hiding the truth, or deception. If you ask me how you look in a new hat I'll tell you. But like I said, not brutally honest. Idunno. I don't like people thinking I'm something I'm not.

Anyways, Focusing on a Non-Existant Love. Like I said, theres a void that needs to be filled in my heart, my soul, my mind, whatever you wanna call it. Its hard after one ex thinks the worst of you. One turns out to only love you as a friend. And another cheats on you and seems to forget that you ever had feelings for each other. Its going to be hard for me in my next relationship to have 'faith' that everything is going to be just fine. People hate when they have excess baggage from past relationships, but how do I not think about all that bullshit when in the next relationship. I won't know how to deal with it.

Every relationship I've been in, I put my emotions into it. I've loved every girl that I've been with. Some people will say with my first gf, it was puppy love. That first relationship. Some people will say with Becci it was cause I hadn't dated anybody else. And the others, because they were too short of relationships. But I know where my feelings were when I was in those relationships. And I truly did love them. With the exception of one, not that I didnt have love for them, it just didn't feel right. But the rest, my feelings were there, I would have spent a long time with any one of them.

"This distance, this disallusion, like cling to memories, while falling. Sleep brings release, in the hope of a new day, waking the misery, of being without you."

End of Heartache
by Killswitch Engage

I've been burned so much. Not to say I've never broken hearts, or haven't done anything wrong, because I have. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesnt mean that I have a void filled with pain. I wish I could afford a therapist (never needed one when I was younger, I knew everything I needed to do to change my life) but now .. I don't know the answers for my problems. I don't know how to handle everything in my life right now.

I'd like to focus on my love for my friends, love for other things in life. But I feel like thats disappearing as well. Everything in life is crumbling. I wish I could grasp onto something to help pull me up from all of this. But I can't. I can't handle this without the help of somebody else. I try n deal with shit on my own, but I can't. All I can do is wait it out, but at what cost? At what cost?

"in the hope of a new day"

To any of my friends who truly care about me, please let me know from time to time. Because a lot of the time I'm confused as to whether I'm just one of those people you hang out with, or one of those people you'd sacrifice something for. I'm rethinking my "homies" page lately, because I don't quite know where my heart is at.

I never know who is truly my friend. And that depresses me. I really hope love comes into my life soon. I hate having that hole there. Maybe thats my downfall. But I'm obsessed about not being good enough for somebody. I've always felt like that nerd, that geek, that outcast, the kid who never fit in, the kid who didn't belong, the kid people made fun of, the kid who was never invited over, the kid who was never invited to parties, the kid who people left behind.

I hope for something to come into my life, anything. I need help.

• • • • COPYRIGHT 2008 • • • • • 1&1 HOSTING • • • •